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[07 Feb 2008|11:08pm]
i haven't posted here in a long long time. so i don't know if anyone will see this.sorry for the no capitals though my shift key is broken.

today i saw my psychologist i see her once a month so it was pretty normal but forsome reason i just started crying but it wasn't like i was really sad i just needed too because my l ife is so good for me.i just thought about all the things in the past and how horribly sad and awful i felt all the time.how i obsessed over things even i didn't understand.i was totally messed up for no good reason at all. but now i'm finally starting to look back and reflect on it instead of just get into this crazy never talking about it needs to be talked about at some point so id id today and it felt really good.

i know tyson you might be reading this. so let me say I'M SO GLAD YOUR GONE. you are a fucked up person to a degree i can't even beleive. i know you don't really think you are so if you read this you don't have to believe a word i say but.you really fucked me up with our whole relationship thing and i will never forgive you for it so if you come back don't expect a warm hug. despite that i hope your doing well in las vegas

i'm so suprised at how well me and lens relationship is going its like.whoa. but sometimes i get this irrational fear that he's gonna stop liking me and hate me and think i'm crazy. i just have this fear that i'm not in control of everything i can't control him and control is a thing i need to have. but i'm really trying to like chill out and just let things go and let things be good.

i really really need to eat better and lose a few pounds i eat the shittiest food everyday its pathetic. fast food and soda like everyday of my life. i need to start excersing but i just feel like theres not time for it theres no place to do it etc. anyways that is all and i hope everyone who reads this is doing well
1 Lie|Lie To Me

I've been afraid of changing..... [29 May 2007|06:02pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Things have been weird lately I guess.I haven't had alot to do.I guess cause me and tyson are apparently never talking agian?probly a good thing.Who knows.Schools ending very soon.It doesn't feel like it.Every year goes by that much faster.highschool is almost over.After that its the begininng of the rest of my life?way too intense for me.

I've been in a good and bad mood at the same time lately.i'm just annoyed with things.Apparently I don't care about gabriela anymore?according to her.Instead of actually talkign to me I get hostile text messages.mature.
I guess theres alot of stuff I felt I was done with but when I think about it I feel like there really not.
I'm just glad I'm not depressed.

This entry seems pointless.

This weekend I went camping.It was ok.except I had an allergic reaction to some unknown substance and my whole body broke out in rash.It was pretty awesome.Except not.it was HORRIBLE.I still kind of look like a rashy freak.Atleast I got some sleep last night finally.I get more strange rashes than any other person I've ever met.my mom thinks I have some weird psoriasis thing.Probly.ah well.

I just really wish I had a boyfriend.A good one.I'm tired of making horrible choices in that area.

Lie To Me

[02 Jan 2006|01:05am]
Oh god I'm totally scaring myself righ tnow.I'm listening to a whole bunch of like top 20 rap songs.lol.Its hilarious but there so good I'm just like GOD I LOVE IT.I'm in kind of a good mood.But at the same time not really at all.I was reading over poems I wrote and like crying hysterically.There so fucking intense.I really don't wanna do homework but I have to.I have alot to do god I shouldn't be procrastinating I need to hook up my add meds and do my homework seriously.Jesus.I don't know why I'm writing in here I just felt hte need for an entry.so yyyeah.
1 Lie|Lie To Me

[26 Dec 2005|01:43am]
[ mood | confused ]

lately I don't know how to feel.One day I'll be fine and happy and good and everything is just ok.But then the next day I'll hear a song or I'll see something and I'll just feel so damn sad.But its not easy for me to just cry anymore and I don't know why that is and its hard to cry and its hard to really feel anything for me.Life can be so fucked up sometimes and you never know why your even alive or what is the point?Why are we even here?I mean whats the point in living just to die?I know its deep man but shit I mean cmon.Its fucked up.

I don't know I don't even know.But I can't talk to anyone I dunno no one understands what I'm going through and even I don't and I can't share here.

3 Lies|Lie To Me

[21 Sep 2005|10:23pm]
WE FOUND THE KITTEN.This morning we found it thank god.It was hiding in the backyard in a hard to reach spot we looked there last night but it was too dark to see anything.I'm soo happy we found her now she's being really nice to me.lol.anyways thats all....
4 Lies|Lie To Me

MISSING KITTEN OMG!!!!!! [20 Sep 2005|11:12pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

My kitten Obi is missing as of tonight.She's nowhere in the house or in the front or back of my house I walked up and down my street with a flashlight looking and I couldn't find her anywhere.I'm fuckin freaking out man.I'm really scared of loosing her I already lost one cat to running away and I'm definetly not loosing another one.sooooo yeah.I'm gonna hand out flyers tommorow to all my neighbors and staple alot up.(If she doesn't come home tonight or before I get home tommorow)So if you guys can help me with the handing out flyers and stuff that would be chill.I'm not fuckin loosing this cat.

5 Lies|Lie To Me

[15 Sep 2005|10:59pm]
Lately I've felt really sad and really thoughtful.I can't even explain it I'm sad about things that even I don't understand.It drives me fuckin crazy.I just feel so stressed to be perfect all the time I don't even know why I just want people to like me.It never used to be a big thing for me but now I'm always worrying about everything and I just god I don't even understand it at all.I just feel like I don't even have any friends anymore.I mean when I'm sad I don't have anyone I can just call and talk to even if I'm crying hysterically.I know everyone else has problems too and I don't think mine or worse or anything but its just hard to explain.

Sometimes I'm so ashamed of things from my past I'm ashamed of things I haven't done and sometimes I'm just ashamed of who I am.

i've been thinks so goddamn much and trying to just understand who the fuck I even am any more.I don't even fucking know.So i'm sure no one else does either.

I hate my family most of the time.I just want my parents to notice me sometimes you know.Not always be busy not always be distracted I wanna talk to them I wanna do stuff with them.I know how fucking lame that is.But it really upsets me that they don't even notice anymore.I didn't like it when they always watched me but now I hate it that they don't I feel like they don't even care anymore.I know they do care.But I can't talk to them I can't open up to them about anything.They think they know me and everything about me.But they have no fucking clue at all.If I try to joke with my dad he just gets pissed at me for some reason.Not that I ever get a chance to talk to him.I feel so lonely right now.It just makes it so much worse that my parents aren't even there let alone anyone else.I dont' normally tell people when I'm sad I don't normally cry and tell people about it.But I also don't normally feel self concious.ughhh.I don't even know anymore.
4 Lies|Lie To Me

FRIENDS ONLY [02 Jan 2005|10:44pm]
I'm friends only now so...
25 Lies|Lie To Me

[30 Nov 2004|08:36pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I had a pretty good day I guess it was chill/dank
thats all I guess...for now....
I'm talking to people online chillin....

like my new icon?

thats it



2 Lies|Lie To Me

[12 Nov 2004|10:26pm]
[ mood | bitchy,and sad ]

I haven't been takingmy anti depressants like at all.I keep forgetting and then I just keep getting really sad for no reason and then I realize that I really need them.I feel really alone and bitchy.It would be kind of nice to have a serious relationship because thats a really good feeling.But every single fucking time I try to care about someone I push them away and I don't want that anymore.Amy ALWAYS has a boyfriend and she has no idea how it can be worse to have no one then to have someone that hurts you.She has no idea how lucky she is.I don't even think I've ever been in love.

But sometimes I think its better to just stay away from relationships all together because I see amy gets hurt and even though I don't get hurt,I get hurt that I CAN'T care.I try so hard to just care about someone.To have something thats really real but its just not there and I know it.I can't pretend to have something I don't.I can not believe that I just had sex with someone then went out with them for 2 days.But holy jesus I'm so sick of going out with people I don't even know.I always end up with these people I met once or twice and I'm expected to care about them?to feel for them?When I just DON'T.

And whenever I write anything in my livejournal pertaining to feelings doug has to go and shove it in my face how stupid I am and how I wrote this and that.But I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm fine when I'm really not at all.I always act like I'm happy and I never tell anyone how I feel.I just get angry with everyone and yell at them and push them away because I don't want to talk about it.Its just that I don't like to be all depressed because I hate it when people whine about how there life sucks when I know I don't even have the faintest idea of what having a fucked up life is.When people can look at other people that have the most fucked up lives ever and say "it sucks so bad because he doesn't love me and he was mean to me and she said this about me" when they have no fucking clue to what pain is.well I guess thats it for now

that was long


Lie To Me

I"m wet [12 Nov 2004|03:21pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I just showered
I sang in the shower loudly
as usual
I'm really thirsty
I'm gonna go see
the new briget jones movie tonight
it'll be awesome...I think
thats all


Lie To Me

[11 Nov 2004|10:37pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

ddr is like sex
I swear to god
its almost as good

4 Lies|Lie To Me

SEX SEX SEX [11 Nov 2004|10:14pm]
[ mood | horny ]

ahhh I want some damn sex...shit

2 Lies|Lie To Me

SO stolen [11 Nov 2004|09:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

post this anonymously

01: what is your first memory of me:
02: how long have we been friends:
03: tell me about one memory we share together:
04: describe me in four adjectives:
05: if we could spend a day together what would we do:
06: name one thing you really don't like about me:
07: name one thing you really do like about me:
08: if you could give me a gift what would it be:
09: have we ever gotten in a fight & about what:
10: have we ever hugged:
11: have you ever seen me cry:
12: what is something embarassing that i've done:
13: what do i usually look like when you see me:
14: what do i say all the time\whats my catch phrase:
15: do you think we will be friends in 5 years:
16: has there been anything you wanted to tell me, but didn't:
17: is there a song that reminds you of me:
18: what makes you stay my friend:
19: what would you change about me if you could:
20: A hint to who you are:

1 Lie|Lie To Me

[11 Nov 2004|12:55pm]
[ mood | bored ]

You know the rules people, copy and repost.

This is the Secret Sex Game. Im pretty sure everyone on here wants to fuck at least one person on livejournal. So here is the rules.

If you wanna fuck me, reply to this post and tell me how you want it. But you must repost this if you wanna see who wants to fuck you. Have fun!

4 Lies|Lie To Me

kill me [10 Nov 2004|08:34pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand,
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...
Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand...

3 Lies|Lie To Me

[10 Nov 2004|05:33pm]
[ mood | fucking pissed ]

this is all I have to say:

j;lgsdi hkelkdishlkdhfjklsdaflkhdlkafhkljfhdlkshdaruioweriowqyeriouwqy


1 Lie|Lie To Me

[07 Nov 2004|06:47pm]


3 Lies|Lie To Me

[07 Nov 2004|04:56am]
[ mood | sick ]

its like 5 o clock,can't sleep

I just keep coughing and coughing

I am so tired

I am so sick its disgusting...grrr


1 Lie|Lie To Me

I was bored ... [06 Nov 2004|07:44pm]
...so I drew check it out...DON'T QUESTION MY ART!!!!!!!!!
5 Lies|Lie To Me

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